I know, I know… with a title like that, I totally understand if you think this is just going to be another instance of an angry, spurned ex-lover just aiming to gain sympathy and to villainize some poor bloke who had the displeasure of dealing with my crazy ass. You may be thinking of a familiar saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
Let me assure you, this is my observation of one of the most interesting case studies of maladaptive behaviors I’ve ever personally encountered. This is an honest account of my experiences and emotions, mostly intended as a tool to help me make sense of everything that happened. But it is also a cautionary tale for women like me, women who hope for a redeeming love.
Details have been changed or omitted to protect identities. Now, fetch the popcorn and settle in, this one’s a doozy.
The Love Story!
It was early April of 2017. I had been through a divorce with a controlling and jealous husband and after a year of getting reacquainted with myself and recovering, I was putting myself back out there to either find the love I so desperately craved, or at least find some sexual gratification to ease the loneliness. Naturally, I joined a few dating sites.
I received a private message from an adorable and charming soldier. He was temporarily assigned nearby for training and was just looking to hook up while here for 2 months. At the time, I was open to any dating opportunity, whether it was casual, non-monogamous, short-term, or long-term. So I thought, “why not date someone with a finite shelf life?” I agreed to meet him because we seemed to get along and had an easy rapport. Plus, no strings attached fun with a hunky soldier sounded like a blast and a half.
We meet and it’s electric. We are both nervous but excited, we share similar interests, enjoy the same movies and music, share a dark sense of humor. I tell him about my divorce and how I was trying to unpack all the baggage it left behind. He tells me that he’s divorced too but due to his wife’s unfaithfulness.
He understands where I’m coming from because he too sought therapy for his mental illness. He regales me with war stories and impressions of the places he was deployed overseas. All night, the way he looked at me was intoxicating. It was as if I was the most beautiful person he’d ever laid eyes on.
Over the course of the next few weeks, we spend a lot of time together. I begin affectionately calling him Sugar (I’ll refer to him as such the remainder of this story). He confesses that he doesn’t think he can remain just casual as we had originally discussed. He was falling for me and he wanted more but he didn’t think we would pan out because he was not permanently stationed near me. I begged him to stay with me because I felt similarly and I didn’t want to lose him so quickly after finally finding him, my soul mate. (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little…)
So, we then transition to a more monogamous and committed relationship. I begin to dig a little deeper into who he is and what we want out of a life together. And it seems he’s on the same page as me every step of the way. We want kids together, we want to travel the world together, he wants to help me pursue my dreams to go back to school for counseling, I want to support him through his career goals within the military.
Considering the times we live in, and my already problematic attachment to social media, it seems only logical that our relationship would need to become Facebook Official. After all, I did just commit to an amazing guy and I wanted to show him off, make all my friends and family jealous at how blissfully content I was with my new partner, and scope out his profile for information and opinions so we can get to know each other better.
So, I send him a friend request and let him know so that he can check for it and approve the request. His profile is fairly locked down publicly but I can tell it’s his profile from a few of his pictures, and the few visible details matched up. It’s odd that he doesn’t have much visible but I understand that some people are just not super public about their life, unlike me.
A few days go by, he’s been busy and I don’t want to bring it up out of fear of being bothersome because, let’s be honest, Facebook is NOT the most important thing in the world. But, I do bring it up to him after I see the request is no longer pending. He tells me he could have sworn he accepted the request. I log back on and resend the request. And it disappears again. Weird.
He then tells me it’s most likely due to his security settings, he had some drama from the split with his wife and he hadn’t bothered to log back in to make heads or tails of it. I dropped the issue but it kept bothering me. I really wanted to make our relationship public. I wanted my friends to have access to his information and photos so they can see who the hell I’ve been raving about. I wanted to be able to post pics and check-ins for the many activities we attended together. And I wanted to be able to state publicly that he was mine. But, if he’s leading a more private life after going through some hard times, I can totally be understanding. What matters for us should be between us, right?
Not long after, I begin to really lay it on thick. “What’s the deal Sugar? – Why haven’t you added me yet? – Ugh, I can’t ask about your opinion on my post today! – Don’t you want to tell people about how awesome I am? – Do you have time now to figure out what’s up with your security settings? – It’s so much easier to use Messenger, won’t you just add me so we can at least chat on there?” (I knew he used Messenger to remain in contact with his leadership and underlings overseas at his permanent duty station.)
And, oh glorious day! We become Facebook friends! FINALLY! I then proceed to scope out his profile, taking full advantage of unfettered access to his memories and posts and friends and….wait a minute…”Why does your profile still show you’re married to your wife? And who’s this little boy in your pictures?”
Red Flags Ahead!
It then comes to light that not only is he NOT divorced yet, but he has a son! He didn’t want to tell me for fear of scaring me off because it’s a strange story. He says that he’s not his biological father. His wife cheated on him when they were still young, newly married, while he was away at basic training, and the boy was the product of that infidelity. He tells me how he contemplated suicide when he found out about the cheating. He then says that he couldn’t bring himself to leave his wife (by either death or divorce), especially since she was pregnant at the time, so he decided to father the child as his own and forgave her for her indiscretion.
He tells me how the birth of his child lead him to push so hard at a career in the military, so that he could provide for his family. He tells me she started fucking around on him again, stating her reason was because he worked all the time. He finally had enough and sent her home to pursue a divorce. And he tells me that’s why the divorce isn’t final yet, because they are arguing about custody. He feels entitled to paternal rights but she wants to deny them because he’s not his biological father.
He gave me specifics, names, and became very open with me after confessing. I believed every word. I decided to forgive him for lying in the beginning because the context initially was no strings attached. I continued to pursue a life with him, realizing that I had become part of his divorce and how complicated that might make my position in his son’s life, and his wife’s life to boot. If she was anywhere near as troublesome and vengeful as he made her out to be, I wanted to maintain a safe distance from her.
But Sugar was worth it. A man who would be willing to accept another man’s child as his own? That’s so admirable! And I know that I can love and care for someone else’s child and not overstep, so I wasn’t daunted by him having a son, nor by my becoming a stepmother. I told him often that I didn’t feel it was fair of me to pressure their divorce, and asked him often if he would consider reconciliation with his wife, assuring that I would understand if he needed to be sure. He always told me that he wanted nothing more to do with her romantically.
And then his wife messaged me. She noticed a charge on their joint bank account for a purchase of medieval garb from a vendor at a Medieval Fair. She had been tracking his Facebook and noticed our friendship, me checking into places with him, and a picture I had posted publicly:
His wife asked me if I was seeing her husband. Before I answer her question, I asked him if my confession of our relationship is an option. And he tells me absolutely not, he had enough evidence to prove her infidelity, but she had nothing on him. He told me she knew he could get raked over the coals if he was also proven an adulterer. And the military wasn’t going to care that he and I were in love, and neither was his wife.
So I lied to her. I hated it, I resented it, and I regretted it. But I did it. I did it for Sugar and selfishly, for myself too. Because I wanted us to have the best life together. We’d both been through so much. I could endure it a little while longer if it meant we’d get to be together forever after. I explained to her that he and I were friends through my running club and I thought he needed a friend while he was here for training.
I eventually blocked her and I changed my privacy settings on Facebook to friends only so she couldn’t continue to harass me. A friend of hers messaged me one day asking how I liked being a homewrecker. He told me she was a meth-head who lost her children to the state. Those were the kinds of friends his wife kept. He was worried about his son’s welfare.
I began to pressure him for the divorce. I was tired of hiding and I was tired of him constantly arguing with her, I told him he should push harder to get his son into a safe environment. I advised him on resources, I inquired about his options with JAG, I was willing to help however I could.
Long Distance Never Works
Mid-June of 2017, Sugar left, back across the ocean whence he came. We maintained a long distance relationship, I began staying up during his daylight hours. We would skype and text and watch shows and movies together and play games. But I would still go out and do things with my friends, for a time.
We had some issues with his jealousy before he left. On a few occasions when we were out on the town, he got upset with me for being too flirty, or for dancing on someone too sexily (I dance with girls and I’m fairly tame…), or for smiling at a guy who was hitting on me (that I was telling I had a boyfriend, that’s what made me smile).
He told me the reason he would get so jealous is because he knew he was insecure, that he just didn’t feel like he was good enough for me, and some better guy would come along and steal me away from him. I told him that I would not allow him to control my behavior like my ex-husband, and then I promptly felt guilty that I was blaming him for things my ex had done, not what he had done. After all, he was my Sugar, just trying to explain to me why he gets jealous.
Well during our time apart, we would have huge fights anytime I would go out. He hated that he couldn’t have constant contact with me, he worried about me, he didn’t like that I would get too drunk, anyone could take advantage of me and he hated being unable to be with me to protect me.
During the Summer of 2017, I went out less, and I agreed to a curfew of sorts. I would try to be home early, as if he were waiting on me to come home. We made stipulations that if I were going to be out late, I would contact him to let him know. Adults communicate and respect each other. Reasonable enough.
Until the first night I had to send him a message saying I was going to be out past curfew. He began arguing with me while I was still out with my friends. He called me more than 30 times. He began to message the friends that I told him I was out with and then they began to try to reason with him on my behalf. And I forgot why I was even trying so hard for us at all.
He was kind enough to remind me a few days later. We were so in love and love makes you crazy. He would fly me out to him. I would stay with him for 2 months to see if I want to move in with him. He told me he truly just wants us to be happy, like we were before. The distance was the problem. He promised that he wouldn’t be jealous if I’d continue paying attention to him and over time, we’d be able to overcome his jealousy by building trust.
At the end of July, 2017, off I went, into the wild blue yonder. Across the ocean to the other side of the world. To a land where I didn’t know the language, couldn’t drive, couldn’t use my cell phone internationally and was entirely reliant upon him for food, shelter, and transportation, including a way back home. Some call me brave, others foolish. I think there’s truth in both.
Kinks and Fetishes and Sex-Toys, Oh My!
Over the course of the summer, I began doing sexually explicit acts for Sugar’s pleasure as a way to increase our intimacy while separated. He had a specific fetish and I would send him recordings of me performing his fetish with other people. It was not my preference, but it did seem to maintain our intimacy level, so I didn’t mind too much. He didn’t seem to be getting jealous as much because he was now involved. And I enjoyed being able to explore new things with his enthusiastic consent.
It was something he really wanted to continue exploring in person. So we discussed him arranging a scenario for me while I visited. I told him if he was going to be choosing the other person, I required him to be present in the room with us, just in case I needed protecting. And that he could record it if he wanted, but he had to be the cameraman. He agreed and made the arrangements.
The first week I was there, I helped him move off base to an apartment near the bay. I packed up his son’s bedroom for him because he said he couldn’t bring himself to do it. I found broken picture frames holding family photos crammed into a closet. I did my best to separate out what his wife might want returned to her.
We moved his 3 bedroom house with the help of a lady with a modular truck and a few of his soldiers. After having flown halfway around the world and immediately into packing and moving, I rested up. I unpacked a little every day and waited for him to come home. I was going to be there for 2 months, and while I was excited to go exploring, we had time, and he was going to be on leave for a few weeks, so I just had to be patient and we’d get out and about.
The first day of his leave was when he arranged the fetish scenario. A man came over to the apartment and I was led into the bedroom by him. The door was shut behind us and I realized Sugar had no intention of joining. I then see there is a camcorder on a tripod already setup and turned on. I roll with it because this dude is fine as hell and I assumed this is what Sugar really wanted.
The scenario is cut short, Sugar told us that he had to go handle something and we needed to wrap it up. After the man left, Sugar was acting strangely to me. He was very distant and barely looked at me. I asked him what was going on and he said that he needed to go back on base to officially sign out on leave. We attempted to go but then realized that I wouldn’t be able to get on post without a visitor pass, and the visitor office was closed.
We went back up to his apartment and I tried to get close to him. I asked him what was going on and why was he acting so strangely. He apologized and told me that his wife had been arguing with him the entire time and he was just annoyed that she ruined his mood.
We had begun to rebound from the Fetish Scenario Snafu and I felt comfortable informing him that I wasn’t interested in it anymore. I wasn’t enjoying doing it for him and preferred to just be with only him. I suggested we explore something else together or get away from fetishes entirely and just work on building our relationship. He began pulling away further than before. A few days later, he told me that he was put on a temporary assignment and I’d have to go home a few weeks earlier than we had planned.
One of my favorite things in the entire world is singing karaoke. I’m good at it, it brings other people joy, and I get to drink beer while doing it. Sugar knew this about me from the very beginning, and it was one of the things he said he admired about me, my courage and talent. Two weeks into the month of August on a Friday night, he takes me out to a karaoke bar.
You guys, I am not exaggerating when I say that everyone in that karaoke bar that night dropped their jaw once I started singing. I was offered shots (which I graciously denied), applause (which I graciously accepted), compliments (oh stahp!), and candid photography:
I was enjoying my evening immensely and was glad to be spending memorable time with Sugar. One of my random bar fans approached me while seated at the bar next to Sugar. He came up to my side, opposite of Sugar, and leaned in to ask me if I would sing a duet with him. I told him I might, depending on what he was thinking of singing. He said he wanted to do “Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton. I laughed and told him I’d never done it but I was willing to risk embarrassing myself if he did it too.
When I turned back around to Sugar, he was livid. He got up to leave and said I was welcome to stay and continue having fun but he wasn’t going to sit around and watch me make a fool of him. Remember, I was unable to drive over there and couldn’t use my phone internationally, so I would have been stranded.
So I left the bar with him and we had one rager of a fight. It lasted the span of the weekend. I pointed out that I felt like he was in love with the idea of me, not with who I actually was. He called me a whore for enjoying exploring his fetish. I told him I was sick of his jealousy and I wouldn’t stand for him trying to control me, regardless if it was baggage I carried from my previous relationship.
He told me I had never had a successful relationship in my entire life, why else would I have been single when we met? I pointed out that he had one relationship that was definitively unsuccessful and asked how he dared to accuse me of knowing less than him about a healthy relationship. It ended when I told him to send me back home immediately. The first flight out is Monday.
While awaiting my first flight of 3 to get back home, I sent a message to Sugar’s wife. I felt like I needed to leave everything that had happened behind me. I needed to tell her the truth about my involvement with her husband because I felt so guilty for having lied to her before. I explained to her that I understood it was not my place to interfere with the dissolution of their marriage. I told her how I had packed up their things and that they should be ready to be sent back to her. I apologized and then boarded my plane.
She had replied while I was in flight. When I arrived at the next airport, I had a 5 hour layover so I seized the opportunity to have a conversation with the woman who knew Sugar best. She told me about everything that had happened between them, and what he was telling her while he was with me. She had never cheated on him, or at least not in the way he had described. She had been fulfilling his fetish scenarios and it began to take its toll on her, physically and emotionally.
He was relentless and finally she had agreed to let him find another woman to fill that role for him as long as he remained a father to their son and a husband to her. He agreed and found someone but then he began to completely ignore his familial responsibilities. He began running up debt to pay for his dating excursions. He skipped family meals to go exploring ruins with his new girlfriend. She had left him over it, but it was only supposed to be a temporary separation for her to gain perspective. Two months ended up becoming eight and she was now attempting to move forward with her life without him in it. Returning to school and finding meaningful work.
She told me that he is most certainly the biological father of her son. The person he named the father hadn’t even met either of them until after their son was already born and had met through the military. The “father” and his wife were both still good friends of hers, maintaining that friendship with her while leaving Sugar alone to make his mistakes.
She then told me Sugar had given the same bullshit story to his girlfriend, and how she was positive he was still seeing her too because she was able to track his iPhone until he came back to the States. Sugar had told me a little about the girlfriend at the beginning when we were casual, but he said they had an ugly breakup.
She sent me screencaps of conversations they had during our relationship, and it appeared Sugar would switch between wanting nothing to do with her and trying to get her to come back to him. The most recent attempt at the latter was just the night before.
We sifted through more lies and tried to dig out the truths. And eventually I came to the conclusion that I had to report him to his command for adultery. Surely the military would step in and help this poor woman and child get their things back and help her finalize the divorce, especially if I can provide his command proof of his adultery.
To be continued in “I believe I dated a Sociopath…”
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2 thoughts on “I think I dated a Sociopath…”
him and i found each other on line. he took me to dinner, we hung out everything was good. he was super nice, handsome and smart. it didn’t get very far. we stopped talking after hanging out a couple more times. but he told me most of what he told you. he moved to hattiesburg to be near his son. his wife cheated when he was overseas. his attitude was like you said. alway down, talking about his large amount of gun. talking about dying. he said he was in japan for a while and that’s where he got his back tattoo.
Hey Bianca, When did this encounter happen if you don’t mind me asking?